today.

...dave left this morning for cleveland...amber came over and took maxx and i to the mall with her and then we went out for dinner...came home and i just wanted to crash...feeling sad lately...i love/hate this month...grandpa lane died 7 years ago on the 11th...my wedding anniversary is on the 27th...socky's 70th birthday would have been on the 28th...hence the love/hate relationship i have with this month. won't see dad on thanksgiving...never see him. haven't been home in a over a year. i drove through town on my way to mom's last weekend and i had an empty feeling inside. it was like a ghost town...i had flashbacks of what is was like-riding paint around lot and then hanging on for dear life when he would take me home running, driving the 4-wheeler around the block, singing in the truck with Amy, walking on the gravel down to grandpa's barn, climbing the tree while he shoed horses, going to the weldon corner for ice cream and coffee, driving to town to get a gallon of milk, washing grandpa's truck for twenty dollars, gathering eggs from the chicken house, cutting thistles in the pasture, feeding the cows, ice skating in the arena, going through randy's house, the smell of grandpa's house, scratching of the dots on the deep freeze in their house after I got a popsicle, having to water the damn plants for grandma, riding the 4 wheeler down to randy's grave to just sit and try to find peace, singing in the methodist church for all 12 members, finding easter eggs in the town park, sitting on hay bails waiting for the bus in the hut that dad made, climbing hay bails in random barns, playing softball in the little field a few blocks away, dreaming of what it would have been like to go to school in the van wert school, hay rack rides, haunted houses, always having the largest pumpkins, hunting for fishing worms, fishing, i could go on and on. many of these things were gone the minute i left van wert and others have faded through the years since grandpa died...especially the whole family thing...it's weird to think of myself as a "schuldt" since i don't feel like i have any schuldt family other than my dad and tannor. it really can't be any other way though...you have to cut things from your life that aren't good and they fell in that category. i just can't help but wonder how things would be if grandpa were still here and we could erase the 7 years since he has been gone.

the happiness of this month...dave and i will celebrate our 3 year anniversary on thanksgiving day this year...we've come a long way in 3 years, but we still have a long way to go...the way doesn't seem as long though with him by my side.