...really can't believe how time flies...my love will will be 7 weeks old in 19 minutes...but no I am not counting. Wish I could look at his precious face, snuggle him and be frozen in time. Trying to get used to our new schedule-up at 4:45 change Maxx, feed him and get all my loving in before I leave him for the day; drop off at daycare at 6; go right to work; go home at 3:45 try to make up for all the time I missed with the boys before I fall over after dinner; 9:00 bathtime for Maxx and hope he doesn't want a bottle until 11 and then sleep through the night-fingers crossed! We made it through one week and I must say that it was hard, but not as hard as I thought. Guess it is good that I make things out to be the worst possible in my head because usually it can't get any worse in real life. That's not saying that it doesn't break my heart everytime I get him out of his carseat and hand him over to his daycare provider and give him a kiss goodbye. The hardest thing is turning my back to him and walking out the door...at least he can't call my name yet because that will be worse! He is my love and I can't imagine how I ever lived without him.
I feel blessed with every minute that I have with Maxx and wish I could have had that time with our first baby, too. People think that it must be easier now to deal with losing our first one because we have Maxx, but that really isn't the case. Why can't they understand that Maxx is Maxx and he can never take the place of our little Hope? In ways I find it harder to deal with because he is a constant reminder of what could have been with her...her room, little clothes, sweet smiles, her voice, her smell. So really...don't say that we must appreciate Maxx more because of what we went through...Maxx is special to us because he is Maxx and we love him more than words and that doesn't change because we lost our first baby...and please don't look at us like "you poor couple you finally were able to have a baby"...we are a very blessed couple who love each other more than we ever have with a deep appreciation for each other and what we have in life. What we have is enough...our home, our boys, each other and the what could have beens with Hope...
ps...Maxx slept all night the 15th & 16th...which means 11pm-6am and last night from 9pm-4am...but whose counting...
3 comments:
awww bre- he is absolutely precious!!! Makes me want to try for another baby, but I am not going there. Miss when my lil girl was that little. Those days go by way too quick!!
i can't imagine people saying that to you....you are right, maxx is maxx, hope's little brother. and that is that. and he is so cute. i wish so much you could stay home. your time will come. i know many mothers around here who go back to work and then stay home once they get to school to be there for sick days, plays at school, baseball games, etc, etc. we are getting by, it's not easy and with the price of gas these days, we don't go far!
It doesn't get any easier, the more kids you have... because once you have another, you see even more clearly, how different each and every child IS... and then you wonder what the baby you lost would have been like... Love you!!
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